so soon

Today is a very good day. My baby cousin Mikayla Marie Lucero was born. I am going to go see her in a few hours. I love babies.
Tomorrow I start my finals and on monday I have my last one and then the semester is over. I am happy. And then a couple weeks after that I am going to hawaii! I am super excited and time is going by so fast. So life right now is pretty exciting!

sadness

sadness overcomes me, for fall out boy is over.... :( why? why must they do that to me? .. I blame ashlee simpson

Is anyone watching idol?

So obviously I am watching american idol and I absolutely love Andrew Garcia. He is so great! And then to top it off this week he did a fall out boy song. He should be the winner. So if you are watching or aren't you should vote for him. (I also think that the guy, Lee Dewyze is cute, but he is no where near amazing)

vote for andrew!

im back

So this will officially be my last Al post ( yay im sure u are all pleased.) I would say that we could consider ourselves to be friends again. We worked together for an hour the other day and bascially filled each other in on everything that we have missed. He is going through a lot of stuff right now, so I texted him letting him know that I am always there. After that we talked all sunday night and yesterday. I miss doing that.
I would say that not only are we fine, but me personally. I am completely over it. I also feel like I have returned. I know that I haven't been myself for the last month. I have been cranky, picking fights with people, and just not my normal happy self. But I feel like I am back. It took two months for me to deal with this and be fine. But I am happy that time is now finally here.

I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

So my life has still been a roller coaster. A few days ago Al and I got in a fight and we both said mean things to each other. It made me feel horrible because in my three years of knowing him we have never fought or really argued. So the next day I apologized and so did he. And he actually said he understood why I had been acting the way that I was. ( Which is a big step for him, he never thought that he had done anything wrong) So I promised that I would be civil at work and he said the same. I didn't say that we should try to be friends because clearly that hasn't worked out too well. So things have been decent. It has just been hard because he clearly doesn't care about our friendship and there have been many times where I have wanted to tell him something but I had to stop myself because I knew he wouldn't care or respond. We have talked to each other everyday for a year, its hard for me to just be ok with not talking at all. But yesterday we had a small text conversation that was not work related and that was started by Al. So I know that he misses our friendship too, though he will never admit it.
And I still do not have a new job and neither does Al. So now I am wondering if this is some sort of groundhog situation. ( groundhog as in the movie) I wonder if God is intentionally not opening doors for us and letting us move on because I was supposed to make things right with Al. Like God is saying " I am going to keep you right here until you do what I want you to do" If that is the case I need to make sure that things stay decent between me and Al so I can get out of penguins. Hopefully that is the case because it is my time to move on.

didn't get it

So I didn't get that job at the elephant bar. I really need to get out of penguins but I know that God knows where I need to be. So This week I have to go back out and get a bunch more applications. Please pray that God will provide a job soon. I really need to get away from Al.

chicken with soy and balsamic dressing

So a little while ago I purchased this book "Harumi's Japanese Home Cooking" on amazon. So I decided that I would try making something from it. So last night I made the chicken with soy and balsamic dressing. Now, I have never made chicken before in my life because I am so afraid of killing someone with salmonella. But I made it and it tasted great and it was fully cooked! Now I feel like a grown woman! haha. My sister loves to help me make things so she helped out as much as she could. Here it is.

So if i'm not you're everything how about I be nothing, Nothing at all to you.

So I told you that I would update you with the al situation, and it has just gotten worse. He stopped talking to me completely outside of work and then one day I came into work and all my coworkers were in an uproar. Apparently he had some girl visit him at work. ( the same work that I happen to work at. Why would you do that?) So after I was told this he texted me the next day saying :
" hey whats up? I just wanted to tell you that I have been hanging out with a friend from highschool and we are going camping together and she brought me lunch the other day and everyone flipped out. So I just wanted to tell you before they said something that wasn't true"
I cannot tell you how pissed and hurt I was. The only time he talked to me was when he wanted to switch with me so he could leave for his trip sooner, so I did because thats what Jesus would do and now I find out that he is going with some girl?? I thought he was going with his boys. Clearly he has been "hanging out" with this girl and it hadn't even been a month since he broke up with me! He has time for this girl but not time to try to still be my friend after he said that was what he wanted? I have clearly been thrown away. So in my immense anger ( that is still inside of me) I texted him telling him he was a dick and to not talk to me. ( this was saturday) unfortunately I was going to have to see him that night because my boss was having a housewarming party. My coworker gayle who I was going with to the party said that she would understand if I didn't want to go. But I told her that I am a big girl and I can't let al run my life. So she and I went to the party knowing fully well that it would be the awkwardness of the century considering I planned to not talk to al.
We got to the party and there wasn't much room to hide. My boss' new place is literally a box. But when I walked in I saw a guy that I knew from highschool and havent seen in years. So that was exciting. ( and it also made me look popular. haha) I met my boss' other friends and then I went back to where gayle and jeff (my boss' little brother) were. And basically with me not talking to al, it was hard for him to get in any conversation. He once asked me if I was the one who drove over there ( since I was the only one not drinking. As always) and I just glared at him ( with daggers in my eyes as gayle said) and muttered yes. ( I told him not to talk to me) So he left shortly there after.
Unfortunately I also had to work with him last night. Thankfully my friends Stacee, Cassandra, and Zoran ( and brenna for a lil bit) came and visited me for a long while. Right off the bat he said "I know you are angry and I am sorry. If you don't want to talk to me tonight or ever I understand" What, did he think that was going to butter me up and soften my heart? False! I said " I told you not to talk to me"
Now, of coarse this is not what Jesus would do. But I am so weak. Time and time again I have tried to make things work and restore some sort of friendship and he just keeps going out of his way to hurt me. Gayle says he just doesn't realize how he is affecting others, but I can't talk to him anymore. Because if I talk to him, I can't help but be nice and then I fall into the same trap of getting hurt.
I don't see how he can just throw me away after everything. But it hurts really bad even when I try to pretend that it doesn't.

tomorrow and... the future?

So once again I have been trying to get a new job. I am not getting any younger and I know that I need to start looking forward to the future and looking to get more opportunity because there is none at penguins. So I have filled out a few applications and today I took one to the Elephant Bar. They have open interviews so I got interviewed and it was good and so they set up another one for tomorrow. Please pray that God's will be done. I know that He wanted me to be at penguins but now that time is over. The bad thing about me getting this job is that I will not be able to wear any fun nail polish. Like what is the point of living if you can't do that? I can also only have one piercing in my ears at the time and all of my tattoos must be covered. Sigh. I guess you have to do what you have to do. But I am curious to see what will happen. I know I will cry when I leave penguins, but I know I have to do it.

today they came!!

So throughout my life I have come up with these ideas of things that I "need". When I was in jr.high I desperately "needed" a pair of combat boots. I wanted them soo badly and I got a pair from my parents for christmas. They were legit. I would wear them all the time to school and I even got out of doing p.e. occassionally, until my teacher realized I was using them to get out of it.
Then a few years later I decided that I needed to wear what I call "lumberjack hats". Like the hats with the flaps that you could wear over the ears or pin them up. This didn't last very long for I found out that I am allergic to wool ( and most of those hats are made of wool) and I also figured out that boys don't look at you if you are a lumberjack. So I scratched that.
The latest thing that I have discovered I needed is (drumroll please..) ......... COWBOY BOOTS! haha I never thought that I would see the day that I would want some. I always thought that some of them looked nice on other girls but I didn't think I could pull them off. So I discussed it with my mom and sister ( who happens to be my fashion consultant) and they said it would be a good idea. So I decided to invest. My mom looked all over online for a cheap pair that I loved and we found one. And they came today!!!!!!! I am wearing them tonight to church! So far I think they r a great investment.

here it is

So I guess I can't really post a post and in it say a lot of things went on but I won't tell you. I hate it when people do that. haha. ( I noticed this thanks to alexis' comment ) So I will tell.
So as you know a few posts ago I posted about my new boyfriend. My very first one in fact whom happened to be my friend of like two years. So we started dating. Problem number one was that he was not a christian. Though a very nice boy, not the same thing. At the time I didn't care because I had been hurt by christian boys and men in the past and I figured that everyone was human and I was a very strong christian and I wouldn't fall away. I loved al, he was a dear friend so we tried the whole dating thing. Things were great at first. He was very interested in jesus related things and even came to church with me. ( It being his idea) We never fought and we always enjoyed each others company. So of coarse, being the person that I am, i loved him. Despite all his flaws, I loved him. ( I do tend to love very easily) but I was in this relationship 100%. ( because I wasn't just dating to date) I guess I thought that he would eventually love Jesus. We are both very busy people ( I seem to always be doing something church related or at work) so we didn't see each other everyday and it was fine. But eventually it got less and less. Of coarse I didn't fall away from Jesus but if I had any free time it was spent with Al. We ended up not going out as much and then even the texting when we werent with each other was not like it used to. I know that he is having financial problems at home and was busy trying to get his emt license so I didn't take it to heart. But then Christmas came around and he was going away to visit his cousin in mississippi for 2 1/2 weeks. So we exchanged our gifts a few days before and as he was leaving my house he handed me a letter and said that he wanted me to read it. So I knew right away that I was getting kicked to the curb. The letter basically said I think its time for us to just be friends. I think you are a great person but I am not in love with you and you deserve so much better than me. Of coarse these things are true but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt so bad.
Since that moment I have been in a whirlwind of emotions and confusion. Its hard to decide if I should do what I want to do and what my friends are telling me to do, or what I know Jesus would want me to do.
I felt so incredibly stupid. I felt like all the signs were there but I just couldn't see them. I was even more upset when I realized that Jesus was there the whole time and I left him for some guy who didn't even love me. Jesus gave everything for me, while Al gave nothing. How could I have been so blind? This has truly been a humbling experience for me. I think God is showing me that no matter how strong I think I am, I can still mess up. And I still need Him fresh in my life every day. One day Denise told me that I deserve a good man of God. And I thought, how could I have thought that I deserved less? That is what I really want! I have now learned not to compromise anything. I am just as weak as anyone else.
So after the letter, I needed a few days to stay in bed and cry more than I ever have in my entire life. I have never been so hurt in my life. I felt bad because it broke my mothers heart to see me like that and I could hear her crying in the shower. I also knew that even though I missed him I was not in the right emotional state to talk to him without saying something that I would regret. I was so ready to pass the hurting up and work on being friends so that by the time he got back everything at work ( he works with me) would be fine. So christmas day I started texting him. It was fine but eventually lead to talking about it. He said that he grew to care for me as someone to take care of, not be in love with. I told him I understood. Because I do get the fact that you cant make people love you, but once again it doesn't mean that it feels good. He called me on the phone the next day and we talked for a long time. Ever since the letter when we talk on the phone he just says whatever and has a different tone. ( even to this day) and I have talked to him about it (today actually) And basically he starts text conversations and then just stops responding. So I had a big chat with him on how if he wants to be my friend he has to work at it. ( especially since he couldn't break up with me to my face) He says he is really busy and won't always have time for me. I don't know what I want really. I mean, I envisioned us staying friends. He just makes it hard when he is rude to me or just acts like he doesn't care. I want to just stop talking to him but I know that I am the only representation of Jesus that he gets. So I am daily asking God what I need to do and to give me the strength to deal with it. It hurts to be pushed aside. Especially since he just acts like the six months that we were dating were nothing. I was able to tell him my feelings and after that I was fine. But I still have to make a daily decision of if I am still going to attempt this friend thing. So far we have worked with each other twice and it was fine. And we went out with my coworkers and he even picked me up and cooked my food for me. (we were at a japanese restaraunt called gyu-kaku, where you grill your own food) Its like we are either great or not. I am so confused. I have no idea what is going through his head. But after the breakup he decided that he needed to be a better person. I guess thats good right? So I really don't know whats going on. But what I know for sure is that I am excited to get my relationship with God back where it needs to be.
*but I will keep you posted since things seem to be changing every day
*and I reread that post where I talked about him and I wanted to LOL. I said he was a great guy and my best friend. Currently both of those things don't seem true.

wooow I haven't been on here in ages

It is weird to be back on here again. I have been so busy I don't take the time to get online. ( hence the fact that I no longer have my facebook or go on myspace) I have experienced and learned so much since the last time i was on here. I will not write it all for it is not all so lovely but what I will share is this song. I love it so and it is so truthful.

oh you bring- HIllsong United

VERSE 1:
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I'm alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I'm found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

VERSE 2:
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

BRIDGE:
All honour
All glory
All praise to You


I really want to point out the line that says ".. and joy to homes that are broken" because I got to see that played out this Christmas. My family (as in my dad, mom, and siblings) were all in the same house and it was a nice time. I didn't know when I would see that day. But I am grateful that it is here.
Well I don't have much time to be on here so hopefully I will be back later