here it is

So I guess I can't really post a post and in it say a lot of things went on but I won't tell you. I hate it when people do that. haha. ( I noticed this thanks to alexis' comment ) So I will tell.
So as you know a few posts ago I posted about my new boyfriend. My very first one in fact whom happened to be my friend of like two years. So we started dating. Problem number one was that he was not a christian. Though a very nice boy, not the same thing. At the time I didn't care because I had been hurt by christian boys and men in the past and I figured that everyone was human and I was a very strong christian and I wouldn't fall away. I loved al, he was a dear friend so we tried the whole dating thing. Things were great at first. He was very interested in jesus related things and even came to church with me. ( It being his idea) We never fought and we always enjoyed each others company. So of coarse, being the person that I am, i loved him. Despite all his flaws, I loved him. ( I do tend to love very easily) but I was in this relationship 100%. ( because I wasn't just dating to date) I guess I thought that he would eventually love Jesus. We are both very busy people ( I seem to always be doing something church related or at work) so we didn't see each other everyday and it was fine. But eventually it got less and less. Of coarse I didn't fall away from Jesus but if I had any free time it was spent with Al. We ended up not going out as much and then even the texting when we werent with each other was not like it used to. I know that he is having financial problems at home and was busy trying to get his emt license so I didn't take it to heart. But then Christmas came around and he was going away to visit his cousin in mississippi for 2 1/2 weeks. So we exchanged our gifts a few days before and as he was leaving my house he handed me a letter and said that he wanted me to read it. So I knew right away that I was getting kicked to the curb. The letter basically said I think its time for us to just be friends. I think you are a great person but I am not in love with you and you deserve so much better than me. Of coarse these things are true but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt so bad.
Since that moment I have been in a whirlwind of emotions and confusion. Its hard to decide if I should do what I want to do and what my friends are telling me to do, or what I know Jesus would want me to do.
I felt so incredibly stupid. I felt like all the signs were there but I just couldn't see them. I was even more upset when I realized that Jesus was there the whole time and I left him for some guy who didn't even love me. Jesus gave everything for me, while Al gave nothing. How could I have been so blind? This has truly been a humbling experience for me. I think God is showing me that no matter how strong I think I am, I can still mess up. And I still need Him fresh in my life every day. One day Denise told me that I deserve a good man of God. And I thought, how could I have thought that I deserved less? That is what I really want! I have now learned not to compromise anything. I am just as weak as anyone else.
So after the letter, I needed a few days to stay in bed and cry more than I ever have in my entire life. I have never been so hurt in my life. I felt bad because it broke my mothers heart to see me like that and I could hear her crying in the shower. I also knew that even though I missed him I was not in the right emotional state to talk to him without saying something that I would regret. I was so ready to pass the hurting up and work on being friends so that by the time he got back everything at work ( he works with me) would be fine. So christmas day I started texting him. It was fine but eventually lead to talking about it. He said that he grew to care for me as someone to take care of, not be in love with. I told him I understood. Because I do get the fact that you cant make people love you, but once again it doesn't mean that it feels good. He called me on the phone the next day and we talked for a long time. Ever since the letter when we talk on the phone he just says whatever and has a different tone. ( even to this day) and I have talked to him about it (today actually) And basically he starts text conversations and then just stops responding. So I had a big chat with him on how if he wants to be my friend he has to work at it. ( especially since he couldn't break up with me to my face) He says he is really busy and won't always have time for me. I don't know what I want really. I mean, I envisioned us staying friends. He just makes it hard when he is rude to me or just acts like he doesn't care. I want to just stop talking to him but I know that I am the only representation of Jesus that he gets. So I am daily asking God what I need to do and to give me the strength to deal with it. It hurts to be pushed aside. Especially since he just acts like the six months that we were dating were nothing. I was able to tell him my feelings and after that I was fine. But I still have to make a daily decision of if I am still going to attempt this friend thing. So far we have worked with each other twice and it was fine. And we went out with my coworkers and he even picked me up and cooked my food for me. (we were at a japanese restaraunt called gyu-kaku, where you grill your own food) Its like we are either great or not. I am so confused. I have no idea what is going through his head. But after the breakup he decided that he needed to be a better person. I guess thats good right? So I really don't know whats going on. But what I know for sure is that I am excited to get my relationship with God back where it needs to be.
*but I will keep you posted since things seem to be changing every day
*and I reread that post where I talked about him and I wanted to LOL. I said he was a great guy and my best friend. Currently both of those things don't seem true.